Rantings, Ramblings, and Musings.

As I was browsing through one of the communities on LJ that I have on my friends list, I stumbled over a post that a teenage girl made inquiring about something that is supposed to make you lose significant amount of inches and pounds within two days.  Everyone on the community was trying to be polite to her, but everyone pretty much slipped up and was telling her that no, you can't lose anything significant in a few days without it just being water weight which you'll gain back in no time.  I was curious to what madness would continually spawn these kinds of posts from this girl, and it turns out it's a pretty plus sized girl that just wants to be skinny like other girls.

Honestly, I don't think really young girls are cut out for losing weight responsibly unless they're really dedicated ant patient.  When I was younger, my parents used to always tease me because I was fat.  And I wasn't really fat, but I was a bit more chubby than most other people were my age and height.  I liked to eat because my mother would always give me food, constantly.  She would buy fast food all the time, and her portions are what most people would consider double or even triple portions.  One summer I ended up getting so fed up with everything that I ended up starving myself because I wanted to be thin.  I found clever ways to make it look like you were eating food at the dinner table while not consuming anything.  I found ways to throw up without ever having anyone find out about me.  Eventually I dwindled away to a miserable 98 pounds before my parents started saying I was getting too skinny.  And being my 5'8" frame, being that skinny looks quite sickly, let me tell you that.

I think the thing that makes me mad is that there are so many teenage girls that think anorexia or "ana" is a fucking trend.  That if you need to lose a couple pounds or a couple inches, the girls need to turn to ana as their goddess.  THIS is why I don't think people are able to lose weight on their own without guidance and help, because most cases turn out to cutting calories to ridiculous levels and pumping exercise to heights that shouldn't be exceeded.  All for what, to be skinny?

I know that I constantly complain about how fat I am, and I know that my friends and my love are constantly berating me for saying such things about myself.  I can't say I'm particularly fat, being at 138 pounds at my height.  I'm right under the average of where I should be.  Nevertheless, it's still hard for me to look in the mirror sometimes and appreciate what I see on my body because I've been down that road of seeing what I look like when I have less fat weighing me down.  I liked what I looked like at 128 pounds, or even at 115 pounds.  Do I really want to go down that road again?  I know for a fact I don't want to be one of those girls that cops out and takes the easy road out (even though anorexia, restricting, and fasting itself isn't an "easy" road).  If I want to be skinny, I want to work for my loss.  I can't just starve myself, deprive myself, and set myself up for something a hell of a lot more dangerous than just losing pounds.  This is your LIFE and your HEALTH you're messing with.

There are girls who are truly eating disordered, the ones that struggle day to day with trying not to restrict, trying not to purge when they've tried to eat something.  There are girls who are taller than me and weighing in the double digits wondering why they're locked up in a hospital with a feeding tube inside them so they are forced to eat.  There are girls who feel like shit because their teeth are rotted away from vomiting so much.  I've seen beautiful girls with bloody hands because they scraped their throats trying to purge and nearly choke on the blood.  Is this beautiful and glamorous to all those girls who want to lose a few pounds?  Is this how you want your life to be?

I don't want to glorify myself and put myself on a pedestal saying I'm better than all this.  I still struggle day to day when I eat a huge meal and wander into the bathroom, wondering if I purged if those pounds would melt away.  I look at food and wonder sometimes if I can survive without it.  It all started from something so little so long ago and now I'm stuck with this burden on my back every time I look in the mirror.

This isn't fun and games, is it?

Wow.  Time flies, doesn't it?  I say that in particular because today marks mine and Jay's two year anniversary of being together.  It's kinda a scary thought for me because this is fast approaching the time of my longest relationship (two and a half years with Jake, my ex).  Not to say that I didn't expect us to make it this far, it's just so amazing how different two years with Jay is versus two years with Jake.  When I was with Jake, every moment felt like it was constantly going to be the last, whether it was defined by us fighting all the time and constantly breaking up and getting back together, or even all the times when I tried so hard just to get hurt and abused in the end.  This relationship was such a drastic change.  Sure, I have my "me" moments where the whole world could just go rot in a fire and die, but for the most part I've been incredibly happy.

It's ironic how I always come here whenever an anniversary rolls around.

I really don't think I can outdo the post that I made last year, because I still remember everything like it was yesterday.  We've had our ups and downs since then, but those downs are so little in comparison to the shit that I had to put up with in the past.  Have things changed a whole lot in a year?  Hard to tell.  Instead of living separately, for the first time in my life I'm living alone with a guy I'm head over heels for and my parents couldn't be happier.

I dunno.  It's just so nice to be able to go to bed with someone whom you absolutely adore in a bed that isn't a tiny li'l bed that you find in a dorm.  It's always so nice to have so much privacy.  It's so nice that I have someone that sees me as an equal rather than an accessory to tote around.  It's nice that someone cares about my needs as well as their own.  It's nice that someone appreciates all the little things that I do rather than expecting me to do them.  It's so much fun; who knew things were supposed to be like this?  No wonder why I always got jealous of happy people before; I never really got to indulge in the same thing that they did.  My ups were never this good.  They only felt that way because the downs were just so great.

The house is quiet right now and I have a lot of time to reflect on what has happened in my life these past two years, and I don't think I'd change a thing.  It's amazing that time has flown as quickly as it has.  It's scary 'cause after my twenty-third birthday, this will officially be my longest relationship.  Wow.

I don't think I could've gotten stuck with a more intelligent, passionate, thoughtful, creative, carnal person.  I guess I just got lucky.  I honestly couldn't have asked for more.

Happy Anniversary, love.  Here's to today, tomorrow, and every other day I get to spend with you. ♥

I've been thinking a lot about things lately, and I wonder if people really do have phases of their life.  I mean, there are the obvious phases where you end up dressing and acting a certain way, and eventually you grow out of it.  There are even times when you look back at how you were in the past and laugh.  Were you really like that?  What in the world were you thinking?!  Why in the world did you ever follow -that- trend?  No, today I'm not talking about fashion trends or just random beliefs that you get stuck in your head that you'll eventually regret or laugh at.  I'm talking about phases in your life.  Things that you've done and you've understood.  Your experiences, your memories, things that are a little more substantial than something easily related to the flavor of the week.

A lot of people see bisexuality as one of those "flavor of the week" type things.  A girl ends up getting hurt by a guy, so she decides to see if dating women is the better side of the spectrum.  Flavor of the week.  She ends up getting hurt even worse by a woman who was cold and callous about the whole situation, so she ends up dating guys.  She's still open to dating women, leaving her status as bisexual, but guys hurt her less than girls, so there's a primary preference.  I'm not sure if I'm a fan of these types of people.  Changing due to experience, not preference.  I guess it's because I'm one of those bisexual people who love people for the sake of being people, not because they're one gender or the other.  But I think I'm digressing.

How long do you hold on to memories before they become just that, memories?  How desperate is a person to cling to the past in order to pave their way to the future?  I always get mixed responses from people.  Some people move on in the blink of an eye, forgetting all the troubles that they've had before.  Oftentimes if you ask people about the past, they don't remember very much of it.  They live in the present and often are not burdened by memories, whether they be good or bad.  I like to ideally see myself as one of those people.  I'm one of those people who knows that the past is the past, and that in order to become who I am now, I need to let go of the things that tied me down.  Of course, I have let the material go, but there is some residual emotional scarring that has managed to tag along for the ride.  I can look back at the events of the past and shrug it off, but there are triggers to an emotional response that may be brought along by memories, but are not necessarily tied to them.  Example?

I really have a problem with people who bitch and moan about things when they really shouldn't have to.  Oh, boo hoo, I can't afford a video game because I spent all my money on other video games.  Spacey used to do this kind of thing all the time, but I really can't feel an emotional response when I think about him as a person.  I get these emotional triggers from events, things that happen.  I try to live in the present and not let things get me down that happened in the past.  If things that happen in the past happen in the present, of course they're going to trigger me, but I'm not going to blame the past for it happening.  It's just who I am, you know?

When I detach myself from a person, I understand that I need to lose all my attachments from a person.  My memories are not littered with memories unless they're something specific that I'm not over.  Take, for example, my ex Jake.  He did a lot of shit that really pissed me off, but he really isn't in my life anymore, so anything he does really doesn't get to me anymore.  The pictures that I have of him really don't evoke any sort of emotional response from me.  I know what was going on with me at the time, and I know how I felt back then, but nothing triggers for me now.  I know for a fact that I'm over things since they're all just memories.  I don't have a problem with erasing any sort of reminder of him from my life since there really isn't an emotional attachment anymore.  Pictures of him are easily erased from my computer because yeah, things happened, but they really don't matter to me anymore.

I ended up scribbling a lot about this in my handwritten journal because I really wonder why a lot of people hold on so desperately to little things even though they shouldn't mean anything.  Why do people keep that one little trinket to remind them of the happy times in the past?  It all seems so... material to me.  I usually hold on to things that I like because they interest me, they're useful, or they're just expensive.  I'm really bad at things with sentimental value if they don't mean anything to me in the present.  Usually I just end up throwing things away that once meant the world to me because hey, it's the present and it doesn't matter to me anymore.  Who would've thought.

I'm sure there are a lot of people who hold on to scandalous material of their exes for potential blackmail or maybe even as a reminder of what they had.  I know my ex Jake did.  There's a lot of stuff that I told him to get rid of that he has in his possession that I knew he didn't get rid of.  Do I care?  Not really.  Why should it matter to me?  I'm not holding on to fragments of the past that really don't need to be held on to.  As for me, the first thing I did was clear out most of my computer of anything that might be fragile or even something meaningful.  Why?  Because it was over.  There would be no more.  I don't want these honeyed feeling coming back to me because I'm a sympathetic twit.  I'm better than that.  I'm sure I could've blackmailed a whole lot of people with what I had of all my exes, but for the most part I got rid of it all.  Because I care?  Maybe.  Because I don't care?  Yeah, maybe that too.

I don't think I have anything significant from any of my past relationships.  I gave everything significant back, or I just got rid of it in general.  Am I more of a detached person because of it all?  Perhaps.  Memories are memories.  I've got a whole brain filled with them.  I don't need reminders of them.  If they need to come back to me, they'll come back.  And even then, I've got a LiveJournal.  Enough memories there, methinks.

After perusing all my other blogs, I realize I haven't updated this one in a really long time.  And I do have to say as far as a ranting and thinking journal, this definitely has to be one of my favorite places.  The words seem to come easier here when I realize that my audience is moreover comprised of people who I don't know and very few people that I do know that knows this place exists.  That being said, I do like to announce that I do still exist and that I am one who rarely completely abandons blogs without ridding myself of their presence altogether... unless, of course, those blogs are there to keep track of something historical in my life.  Moving onwards...

One of my friends made an interesting post on another blog that got me thinking.  He mentioned how for the longest time he stressed over why people would come into his life and become close and then oftentimes abandon ship without so much as an explanation or even a means of being able to contact them again in the future.  I really had a similar vein of problem on my end of the world.  I used to get so frustrated when people who used to be so close to me would just simply disappear out of my life.  There were so many people that I met online that I really became close to that would just suddenly abandon ship and throw my world into perpetual disarray.  I still even have a hard time getting over the fact that a certain someone has abandoned me when I was a whole lot younger.

I remember what my friend said which eased his mind a whole lot, and for some reason it eases mine a whole lot, as well.  He mentioned that there is always a reason why people come in to your life, and when they leave it, you need to accept what impact that they had on your life and move on.  You can always try to contact them, but if they leave you no response you might as well just wait until they're willing to return in to your life, if that ever happens.  If they never do, you can always treasure the memories that you had with them, but try not to get hung up over it or else you'll be the only person that you'll be hurting.  For some reason, I hold this true with a lot of people in my life but have a harder time holding this true for others.  Take, for example, Hugo.  For some reason, I couldn't let go for the longest stretch of my life that he's gone from my life and would not come back.  And now?  Now I can sit back and smile on all the pleasant memories we have and understand that no matter what I would've done, things would not have ended any differently.

I used to think the same thing about Chris, too.  Chris was one of the people in my life who really meant something.  I really don't talk about him a whole lot because of how our friendship ended.  I don't like to talk about it a whole lot because for a long time I still had compulsions to send a letter addressed to his house with a note on the front saying if his family received this letter, just to forward it to him.  I've been tempted to go to insane means to just see how he is doing and see if he'd remember me, but I've more or less realized that things aren't going to change.  I'm sure he'll smile and laugh and be like "oh yeah, I remember you" and talk to me about the old days before moving on his merry little way and thinking nothing else about it.  I can hardly even understand why it would've meant so much to me if him and I did get to talking again.  What would we say?  What would we do?  What difference would it make?

The things that get to me are exes.  As much as I say that I loved Vy with all my heart, if I ever saw her again, I really wouldn't have anything to talk about.  I'm sure I'd be like "damn, she's still hot" (if she was, of course, some people change drastically in the course of time), but I don't think I'd feel the same kind of pull that I did when I was young, naive, and stupid.  As cool as it would sound to actually see her again, what would we talk about?  I'm sure if her and I were put in a room together, the conversation would be so awkward. "So, you remember the time that we...?"  "Oh yeah, haha, I remember that..." -Awkward silence-.  And I'm sure if she still had feelings for me like the boys were claiming, she'd probably throw out another bait, another pick-up line that would always make me laugh and know that she was interested.  But how would I react?  I probably wouldn't act the same unless she was that sadistic to pull all those little triggers that made me like her in the first place.  And maybe she would.  And I'm not sure how I'd react then, but I'm sure it would never be near the same intensity as it would've when I was still enthralled that a woman of such extraordinary caliber could ever turn her eyes towards a plain, chubby, normal teenager.

Let me repeat myself.  The thing that gets to me are exes.  I don't know how in the world people can still be hung up over their exes.  When breaking up, unless the reason is stupid for us to break up, I take the end as the end.  I might still hurt, and I still might want to hurt myself, but when the relationship is over, it's over.  I take my pain and go wither away somewhere else.  Although this doesn't sound like the most efficient thing to do, I don't give myself grief and say that I was such a horrible person and that everything was all my fault.  I can't stand it when people do that.  Why?  I've done that before, and it's the lamest excuse to get someone to take you back.  You'll blame yourself until kingdom come because you're just indulging your former significant other's ego to the point that they pity you enough to take you back because yes, you just are that pathetic.  That, or they'll drag you around like the worthless sack of shit you are until they can kick you in the face and tell you you're an idiot for wanting to come back because they're in a better place.  People are so desperate that they're totally willing to forget all the pain that their now former lover subjected them to that made them as miserable as fuck.  They're so desperate that they think that out of the millions and millions of people in the world, the only one for them is the fuckwit who dumped them in the first place.

As I said before, there is a time for people to simply just move on.  I learned my lesson the hard way.  Two and a half years of constant struggle with my beliefs, my body image, my heart.  I finally understood that I deserved better than the pain and moved on.  And what I still don't get is why he still idealizes the relationship that we did have.

I really don't get it when exes keep telling me that I was the best thing to happen in their life.  Did they really think I was the best thing in their life when they cheated on me?  Did they really think I was the best thing in their life when they did things that explicitly hurt me?  Did they think that I was the best thing in their life when they told me I was a fat cow that wasn't worth living?  Was I really the best thing in their life when all they wanted to do was fuck someone else because they were tired of me?  Think about it for just one minute, especially so if you might be hung up on someone who left your life.  Think of all the horrible things that they've done to you that pushed you away initially.  Were they really thinking about you when they did this shit?  Were they?  Probably not.  Matter of fact, I can guarantee they weren't.  Then why the fuck are you still hung up over them?

There is a chance, a very small chance, that you were the fuckwit in the relationship and you let go of the best thing you had in your life.  Think about all the horrible things you did to them and ask yourself if this is how you would've treated the best thing in your life.  Yes, exactly.  No wonder why the fuck they ran away from you, screaming and crying and never looking back.

I hate to say it, but it is incredibly easy to please another person.  So easy, that a matter of fact, I could probably get together with just about anyone and have them think that I'm the perfect person for them (well, except for in the factor of looks, but we'll avoid that for now).  It's easy to get someone hooked, unglued.  And it's even easier to walk away and watch the majority of them fall apart to the point of insanity.  Why?  Because there are so many people in this world who are needy, who think that they need to value all their lives on one person.

You'll know when the right person comes along.  If the person you thought was right leaves, you need to understand that they're leaving for a reason and move the fuck on.  If they come back, they come back, and it's your choice on whether or not to let them back in your life.  Is it really worth it?  Will the good outweigh the bad?

No, don't sugar coat anything, because if you do, you're already asking for a fucking heartache.

I've come to the conclusion that the failed interactions that I have had with people are starting to make me into a more misanthropic, antisocial human being.  It seems that the more I am exposed to other people, the more I am exposed to their secrets, their inner workings, their motives.  People are so selfish, so volatile.  There is no salvation in any of it, is there?

If people think that there is no way for them to be caught in a crime, they will do it because they think they're smart.  They're clever, whatever.  As soon as they're found out, they will deny it to the end of time.  Isn't that how the game works?  We all like keeping secrets from one another because we don't want to offend, we don't want to be disliked.  We all have our dark little desires that we don't speak out loud because we don't want to hurt those we love.  But really?  All those dark little desires that no one wants to speak of are the ones that hurt the worse.

Do you know why?

All humans succumb to temptation.

Desires that come across your mind are things that you might want to do.  If you are presented with what looks like a flawless opportunity, what stops you from taking it?  Morals?  Morals are simply notions conceived by the human mind to follow in what people find to be "good".  What if there isn't anyone to judge you but yourself?  People are hedonists in their own right.  They do what benefits them, they do what makes them feel good.  They think about no one but themselves.  If you had the chance to do something that you have always wanted to do but those in your life would disapprove, yet you had the opportunity before you, would you honestly deny it?

I doubt it.

I honestly fucking doubt it.

There are no morals strong enough for people to defy temptation anymore.  Before, a long time ago, people would be willing to face persecution, death, just for their morals, their beliefs.  Now?  You could put a gun to someone's head and get them to admit to anything, just so that they could live.  No one stands up for what they believe in anymore.  People are more prone to waiting to see what would benefit them the most before making their decisions.

Why do people go to foreign locations and do things they normally wouldn't do?  Because it's a once in a lifetime chance for them to take this risk and run with it.  Why do people normally do things that isn't right for them, that everyone tells them is wrong?  They think they know better, they think they know what's right for -them-.  Everyone's willing to risk everything for some pussy, some dick, some power, some money.

It is within this that I find my misanthropy fester and grow like a diseased wound.

I like to consider myself a hedonist for many reasons.  I feel that I am more than disposed to picking pleasurable options in life rather than taking the unpleasant, non-pleasurable paths.  Not to say that I prefer to take the easy route out; no, the route to pleasure is not always so pretty and proper.  When I indulge myself, I like to indulge myself to the greatest degree.  One would say that I like to take my cup and fill it to the brim, not quite reaching the point of overflowing.  To me, that tension is the best kind of tension.  I like to think about what kinds of things that I like to indulge, and in this particular case I would like to dissect my want to see deserving people suffer.

What qualifies a person as "deserving"?  I would like to think that I, as well as other people, do not have the simple jurisdiction to say that yes, this person can suffer while no, that person doesn't deserve it.  I'm not a god, nor do I pretend to be one (but honestly, with the demands people make on me when it comes to my drama balancing acts, I sometimes feel that I do have the power of a god to turn situations to my own advantage/pleasure), but there are people in the world that display such unbelievably dismaying logic to their arguments that it's hard to not just say "oh my god, you're an idiot, you DESERVE the consequences that you get if you do something so stupid".  I've seen it time and time again, but sometimes I can't help but consider that sometimes it is my fault that things happen the way that they do.  Not to say that I'm the only reasoning behind things that happen (I know I'm not), but there are just some times when people such as myself (there are more of us than you think) that are focal points to certain amoebas who do have the ability to sway things in proper (or improper, as the case may have it) direction.

Everybody has these predispositions, these decisions that in no way really alter their own lives but have the propensity to alter everybody else's lives.  Most people are compassionate when viewing these issues at hand.  I, for the most part, am oftentimes willing to exert myself extra for certain people that are deserving of my time, effort, and resources.  When initially introduced to a person I have not really had any sort of contact with before, I often extend this hospitality to them, as well.  I like to think initial impressions are good, not to mention that I like giving people the benefit of the doubt when it comes to my trust.  Not saying that I'm an idiot and will trust people until they give me reason to otherwise; people who have had a constant history of lying and untrustworthiness are looked at with skepticism.  Nevertheless, I still give them a chance.

I like to observe people, which is probably why I'm majoring in psychology rather than anything else.  Nothing gets my mind working more than being in a social situation where I can sit back and observe the behaviors of other people around me.  There are a few others in my group (few being the key word there) that do the same thing, and as said before, we find ourselves the focal points of the amoeba, if you will, simply because we have the compassion, the desire to understand, and that cruel little desire to help in any way possible.  Why is it cruel?  This compassion extends beyond our very reaches, and when we get pulled into a situation where we can help, we do, even if it is detrimental to our own being.  Imagine it being similar to a person throwing him or herself onto a bomb to prevent the shrapnel from harming more people than just the person throwing his or herself onto that bomb.

Besides the instinct to survive, people have developed the propensity to want to be fulfilled.  People like positive response to the actions that they create.  Let us, for one moment, go back to the amoeba analogy.  Let us say that there are, for example's sake, three centers of this amoeba that keep things together and maintain function for the whole of the amoeba.  And, for example's sake, let us say that there is a part of the amoeba that is currently ill-functioning.  What do you do in this kind of situation?  You either destroy it or try to make it better.  If you are able to placate the ill-functioning part of the amoeba, the disease doesn't spread, it works to fix itself, and the rest of the amoeba is safe.  If you let said disease fester, said disease will probably spread to other parts of the amoeba, most likely causing it to die.  Ironically, drama is very much like this amoeba analogy, particularly drama in the group of friends that I find myself involved with.

Another analogy, perhaps?  Let's say you're in an abusive relationship with your significant other.  This significant other, when angered, often takes his or her aggression out on you, physically.  Let's say that this significant other is a bit deluded and often becomes angry when he or she is told that he or she is wrong, even if they might actually -be- wrong.  You get in an argument with said significant other because what he or she said is wrong, and you tried to tell them the correct answer.  He or she gets upset and starts to take out their aggression on you.  In order for you to protect yourself from getting the shit kicked out of you, you tell this person that he or she is right and you were wrong, even though you know that they weren't right to begin with.  Positive reenforcement of something negative.  This significant other, eventually, will get the idea that they can't be contradicted in anything, because if you do happen to contradict them, they can just beat you up.  And through beating you up, they can get you to admit you're wrong, they're right, and the whole world goes in their favor.  Such things like this ends up festering the disease in groups of people.

If you've read this far and have any physical contact with me besides knowing me as a random blogger on the internet, you probably know exactly what kinds of people in my social network I'm particularly talking about when I say the focal points and the diseased pieces of my amoeba.  The focal points are often where the social networking starts; these are the people whom other people often meet new friends through, simply because there is already a network of people that they're often introduced to.  The diseased pieces are not constantly diseased, per se; rather, these people are those who like to fester negative behaviors that the focal points are often the ones fixing so that the rest of the amoeba does not go insane.  The most common remedy to this issue is to help out the people who are causing problems so that they do not cause problems anymore.  With the normal person, this is the best way to resolve the issue.  But what about people that just don't get the point?  What about people who hunger for help, get it, and end up desiring more attention from those that helped them?  Isn't the immediate idea for attention for those that get off on this kind of thing is to create more problems so that others can help them?  What better way to indulge your attention-seeking needs!

Have you ever been around a person who became your friend for whatever reason and eventually ended up hating because their behaviors are so preposterous that you pushed them away for your own sanity's sake?  And then, later on, you run into this same person after swearing up and down that you'd never deal with that kind of bullshit again, realize that they're really down about things in their life and you actually feel sorry for them?  Maybe all their friends abandoned them and they're left to be alone, miserable, or something to that effect?  Realizing that their circumstances are really unpleasant, you decide to forgive them and be friends with them again.  And, for a while, things are good with them.  You really notice that they've made an improvement in their life and that you really want to be part of it, be their friend.  You actually start to feel kinda bad that you pushed them away before.  And then the walls come crumbling down.

It always starts with something small.  You get annoyed with said person because they did something that used to annoy you in the past.  You try to be good, you try to avoid being judgmental, but then it happens again.  And again.  And again.  And before you realize it, you're starting to get incredibly sick of this person.  Before you realize it, you're in a screaming match with them and swear up and down that you were right before, that you should've never started talking to them again in the first place, that yeah, old dogs can't learn new tricks.  You leave again, bitter and upset, only to realize that you're their friend again months, weeks, days later.  At that point, you're starting to wonder just why you're so stressed out, so irritable, so annoyed all the time.

For the most part, I've been dealing with these kinds of people all my life.  I'm one of those people that wants to believe that people can change; honestly, most people can change.  However, there are just people out there that just can't do it.  I always want to hope that the person who made me bitter, hostile, and sometimes even suicidal can improve, can stop being an asshole, can stop being whiny little bitches about things.  Often, after having something resembling a mental breakdown, you realize that no, some people are simply so self-absorbed that they can't see past their own ego and will never change.  I think the worst part in realizing this is when you realize that other people are still buying their act, their little façade, and that you can't get away from them because they've integrated themselves so much in your amoeba that practically everyone but yourself plays their game.  This is the kind of thing that develops a seething hatred in the pit of my stomach and causes me to actually want people to suffer, compassionate nature aside.  When you see such good people who are really putting an effort into a hole, a real detriment to society that just simply does not learn its lesson.  These negative people get positive reenforcement from other people besides yourself and start believing that their behaviors are okay.  There are even instances where people realize that there are a certain few that are nothing but detriments to their lives, and these same people continue to try and help out those same detriments because they think that maybe, maybe they can make things work right.

Before you try something like this, I recommend you check your sanity in at the door.  And honestly?  You probably won't be getting it back, especially if you decide to continue on with these types of people.

So, all this writing, and you're still asking me where this desire to cause suffering comes from, seeing as I haven't actually broached that topic.  If there's one thing that I really believe in is balance.  Not so much karma, although it generally follows the same principle.  To every action, there is a reaction.  To every bright side there is a negative and vice versa.  When I see my friends who suffer for legitimate reasons, I feel they deserve the support, the friendship, the compassion that is given to them.  When I see "friends" who feign misery in order to get that boost of sympathy they desire, I can't help but want to make their misery an actuality.  After being a person who has dealt with their fair share of misery and survived it, I can't stand those people who actually hunger for misery so much that they're willing to invent it for the proper reward.  Just as I get a total rush of pleasure for being able to be there for someone and be a friend to those that really need it, I get that same rush of pleasure for being a total and absolute cunt to those that feign their misery, blow their problems out of proportion.

In order to understand the sheer basis of this, one has to understand the types of people that I deal with day to day.  For the most part, most of my friends are brilliant, intelligent, compassionate people that know how to have a good time and are not afraid of stepping out of the box to indulge in the thing we know as life.  People with such charisma and such good personalities always attract other people, as I've learned.  Over the years, I've developed a grand social network of people that are in my inner orbitals, so to speak, that I can live life to the greatest degree with.  As with any social network, all it does is start with a person (yourself) and branches out to the people you know (your friends).  Your friends, just like you, have other friends, their own social networks.  When you become close to a person, your social network often ends up interacting with theirs, often bringing new people into your social network.  You'll always have acquaintances with your "amoeba", so to speak, and then there will be the people you interact with the most.  One can guarantee that everyone in your social network will not like everyone else.  There are more chances than not that you'll see people on a regular basis that you typically wouldn't want to be around, but since your friend is close to them, you'll put up with them.  At least, this is how I've noticed social networks work when it involves me and my close friends.

Shall I give you a more tangible example?  Take for example, my ex-boyfriend Spacey.  I met him a long time ago through my ex-boyfriend David.  I was hanging out with David on a regular basis, and David hung out with Spacey on a regular basis.  I became friends with Spacey from hanging out with him so much because he was around David's group so much, and since David was my boyfriend, I was around David's group a lot.  With amoebas, things come and go, change shape, whatever.  Spacey ended up moving out of David's amoeba when I did and merged into mine.  He met my friends, became friends with my friends, and solidified a connection.  At the end of mine and Spacey's relationship, he ended up treating me bad, lying to me constantly, and lied to me to keep me in the relationship.  I pushed him away because I was tired of the lies, tired of the endless drama.  After dating my ex-boyfriend Jake, I thought Spacey matured.  He didn't seem like the annoying, childish Spacey that I used to know.  I tried to get along with him again, but that completely blew over.  He actually regressed into something worse, to the point where I couldn't believe a thing out of his mouth.

This struggle between me and him has lasted for well over four years.  I always thought, after a while, that Spacey was okay, that he really wasn't -that- bad.  And every single time?  Yep, I was completely wrong.  It's a lot like an on-off relationship (even though what has been going on between me and Spacey isn't a romantic relationship anymore) where you always walk in with high hopes and always leave wondering what the hell you were thinking.  The pattern with me and Spacey has always been the same for four years at least, and this time I've finally decided to end it, friendship and all.  Unless he can prove to me that he's not going to be a spoiled, childish brat about things for longer than a few days (more like a few months), this friendship is NOT going to happen.  And I know it's not going to happen.  Why?  He has a constant positive feedback loop.  With people like me getting annoyed with him all the time and forgiving him when he feigns that he's changed, he knows that if he feigns that he's sorry or if he apologizes, people will take him back.  No effort.  Just like those people who say sorry and don't mean it because they've never actually -had- to mean it.

Again, what does this have to do with wanting to cause suffering?  I can't help but feel a little bitter when I watch my friends get used by people who don't deserve it.  Yes, my friends are idiots for fostering this kind of behavior, but it takes everyone their own degree of learning before realizing things on their own.  You can't force a person to realize things; you can only give them ideas to lead them to that conclusion.  In the end, it's up to them to figure it out for themselves.  If they figure it out themselves, they'll be able to leave with less guilty feelings and less chance for rebound.  But in the end, it all goes back to my ethic of balance.  If you're going to give them positive reenforcement for their falsified negative behavior, I might as well give them some negative aspects in their life so that they can actually deserve the pity that they're getting.

Dangerous place to be when you're one of these focal points, when you're the person that people go to for advice, when you're the person people go to when they hear some gossip.  When you're to that point of losing your sanity (or whether you've totally crossed that point), you can't help but feel a little inclined to play around with things.  It's even worse when you're actually good at it, knowing what information to relay to the right people, knowing what little things you have to do to push people over the edge.  Just like when you're watching a movie and seeing the plot set you, you can't feel but a little excited to see what the outcome is.  Just imagine this movie is your life.

It is beyond me, however, to manipulate situations falsely.  As I said, the persons who get what is coming to them get it because of their actions.  I'm not going to lie to the girlfriend or boyfriend of a person I hate and tell them that their significant other is cheating on them when I have no viable proof.  When it comes to my degree of maliciousness, it only extends to what I know is truth, hence why I know a person is deserving of my venom.  When it came down to my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend Briaun, I only told her what I was experiencing because it was what I went through.  She can come to her own conclusions.  If she sees the same patterns in what happened with me and Jake through her and Jake, she can take it into her own heart to either stay with him or leave him.  Who knows, maybe he did change when he got together with her (even though sadly I've heard that's not the case).  The same happened with Megan and Spacey.  With these kinds of things, I do not like playing the malicious ex-girlfriend.  I do admit to the positive traits of what people had to offer, but if asked about the negative, I do not hesitate to bring to light these things.

You only suffer from what I have to say if there is any grain of truth to what I say.  If there isn't, why should you be suffering?  I am, after all, simply a fool if my words don't ring true.

What causes a person, besides impending insanity, to want to cause others to suffer?  Just as being able to indulge a person I care about brings me pleasure, it also brings me pleasure to unfold webs of lies that people build around themselves to continue their social networking.  This is my balance, my two sides of my coin.

If you expect me to be your savior when you are in the right, expect me to be your executioner when you are wrong.

For those that know me really well, they know that my favorite band is Dir en grey.  I've been a fan of this band since high school, and it's my third year in college.  When I was in high school, I was almost positive I'd never get to see Dir en grey live, seeing as back then, they'd never even come anywhere near America.  Little did I know I'd be seeing them twice in the past year: once at the Family Values Tour in Albuquerque, and another time in Englewood, Colorado at the Gothic Theater.  And now?  Now I'm going to be seeing them with the Deftones at Sunshine in Albuquerque.  I don't think many people understand how happy this makes me.  Dir en grey has always been my band through the good times and the hard times.  And now I get to see them again.  I'm so fucking stoked! =D

On a less happy note, I've decided to cut off all ties with my ex-boyfriend Spacey.  I thought I could be friends with him, but it turns out that he values his delusions and lies more than he does any sort of friendship.  I don't think he understands that he doesn't need to be a compulsive liar in order to have friends.  To make a long story short, I asked him if he was still dating a girl that I'm friends with, Megan.  Mind you, she broke up with him because he was trying to be too serious too fast.  He told me that he was still together with her, even though she was sitting right next to me telling me about her breaking up with him.  Ironic, huh?  Not only that, but he crashed my St. Patrick's Day party with my friends at Megan's place because of his whiny, bitchy self.  There are a lot of other offenses on this list, but those do not bear mentioning at the moment.  Basically, when I got back to school, he started doing his typical Spacey thing and groveling.  I fucking HATE it when people continually make mistakes and try to make up for it by simply saying "I'm sorry".

You know what?  If you were really fucking sorry, you would've learned your lesson and stopped making mistakes every time I blinked.

So basically I cut off everything with him.  And no, I'm not happy with him at all.  I can't believe I ever dated someone so selfish, so self-centered, and so willing to place the blame everywhere but himself.  He cried and whined and all that stuff, but I'm not retracting how I feel about this particular situation.  You dig your grave, you fucking lie down in it.  I'm so tired of being so forgiving when I can't even stop getting betrayed.

As David likes to say, you are free.

But, for now it's time for me to go to class.  I'll write more later.

While I was sitting in Chemistry today, I ended up writing a little piece that made me feel pretty dismal.  I have kind of reached a point in my life where everything seems to have just completely become stagnant.  Not to say that I'm not happy with a lot of things in my life.  I truly am happy with a lot in my life.  Nevertheless, it seems that a lot of things that I wish I could complete or should be doing is just not happening.  It's been a while since I've had income past the steady decline of what I've saved over my lifetime and the random large amounts of money that end up in my grasp.  It's also been a while since I last was able to indulge myself in exercise without having my lungs want to collapse on me.  It's also been a while since I've last really accomplished anything -fantastic-.

Everything feel sluggish, and I feel like I'm slowly starting to go insane.

Shift-highlight-backspace.  Shift-highlight-backspace.  This is the monotony when those words just don't fit together.

I just finished another two episodes of NANA, and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to think. About this.  About anything.  I don't know who's hurting me more, you or myself.  Is it so awful that I smile when I think about it all?  Everything.  Everything.

I had a discussion with David today.  What makes someone deserving of love?  Someone who can love others, or someone who has the propensity to love themselves?  How can someone with so much hate ever love?  It's more of a complication than that, and even that is too much for words.

Shift-highlight-backspace.  What a shitty day for thinking.

In essence, I hate being reminded of who I really am.

That, and I'm not sure what I'm in love with more, making myself purposefully miserable or becoming accidentally happy.

Shift-highlight-backspace.  You figure that one out.

Show us the best picture you took in 2006.
Submitted by Captured Moments.

HPIM4421